Choose From:

Smileys

From: The Complete Book of Insults

Famous Last Words

What If Microsoft Built Cars

Bumper Stickers

Sub-titles- - - - -Ondertitels

Big Brother is watching you!!

Lost in Translation

Quiz: 20th century voices

Funny Web-sites

Rev. course

Reading is no porlbem

Ze big speling plan


Absolutely Amazing

Software Upgrade

What does it say? 

Funny Epitaphs = (Grafschriften)

Funny teachers (schoolreports) and funny policemen

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

Those bloody Dutch

Quoting Shakespeare

Have a big think about this!

English is Tough Stuff (about English spelling/pronunciation)

And another poem about English spelling/pronunciation

Eye halve a spelling chequer

Some Wisdom for the rest of your life

Think out of the Box

A few "paraprosdokians"

To the citizens of the USA

7 facts in this world

Male or Female

The Art of the Understatement (= een te zwakke uitdrukking, wat je bedoelt te zeggen is vele malen erger)

Test for Expats: Am I becoming Dutch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sub-titles                Ondertitels

Vaak wordt beweerd dat de ondertitels op TV zo slecht zijn.
Toch valt het meestal wel mee. Af en toe kom je wel eens een blunder tegen.
Hieronder staan er een aantal [dus allemaal fouten door 'ondertitelaars' gemaakt].
Had jij het er beter afgebracht?

Bedenk eerst jouw vertaling en


kijk daarna pas rechts m.b.v. de schuifbalk! Turf hoeveel je er goed hebt!  ================>>>>>

 

He has been an invalid for 5 years now

 

[landurig] zieke, [een invalide =a cripple/a disabled person]

 

He has been lame all his life

 

mank/kreupel [lam  = paralysed]

 

Als hij het heeft over 1 billion bedoelt een Amerikaan:


1,000,000,000 =1 miljard]


     

en met 1 billion bedoelt een Engelsman:    

 


 

1,000,000,000 [maar vroeger, in oude films dus: 1,000,000,000,000 =1biljoen]
[als een engelsman vroeger '1miljard' bedoelde zei hij net als wij '1milliard'.]


Als hij het heeft over subway bedoelt een Amerikaan:

 

metro

 

en een Engelsman bedoelt met subway:    

 

(voetgangers)tunnel

 

Her father is a soldier

 

 

militair [soldaat =private soldier, een generaal is dus wel een soldier maar geen soldaat!]

 

She was sent to hospital


ziekenhuis [niet: hospitaal dat is alleen in het leger]

 

Could I have some of those chips please

 

patat [crisps = nederl. chips]

 

We were playing a game of baseball

 

honkbal [niet: basketbal]

 

She wore a purple dress

 

paars[e] [niet: purper =diep rood]

 

Whose oils are these

 

[olieverf] schilderijen

 

She is a homely girl

 

lelijk [niet: huiselijk o.i.d]

 

The morale of the football team

 

het moreel[=strijdlust e.d.] [niet: de moraal]

 

She sent her baby to school

 

kind/kleuter

 

She goes to work by underground

 

de metro [niet: de ondergrondse!]

 

One day this champion will be beaten

 

eens/ooit [niet: op een dag]

 

This writer holds some very exotic views

 

heel raar/vreemd [niet: exotisch]

 

Did he use this compass

 

kompas

 

Did the teacher tell him to use these compasses

 

1 passer [vrijwel nooit: kompassen]

 

Can I come in, are you decent?


heb je je kleren aan [niet: ben je fatsoenlijk/netjes o.i.d.

 

They took the goods to the warehouse

 

pakhuis [niet: warenhuis]

 

They sit and starve...


ze zitten te verhongeren [niet: zitten en verhongeren]

 

Mrs John Smith

 

Mevrouw Smith/de vrouw van John Smith [niet: Mevrouw John Smith]

 

You're beautiful!! And you call yourself my friend?


bent me een 'mooie', een kl***zak dus! [dus niet: je bent mooi!

 

It is half ten now

 

half elf = half past ten [niet: half tien]

 

The Brown family

 

de familie brown [niet: de Brown familie]

 

Lent used to be a hard period for all

 

de vasten[periode] [niet: lente]

 

The passenger said:"I'm a bad sailor"

 

ik ben gauw zeeziek [niet: Ik ben een slechte zeeman]

 

Meet my new friend

 

Dit is.../maak kennis met... [niet: ontmoet]

 

The car pulled up in front of my house

 

stoppen [niet: optrekken]

 

I hate soccer

 

heb wat tegen/heb een hekel aan [niet: ik haat]

 

Two people are helping the police with their investigations

 

Er zijn twee arrestaties verricht, maar er is nog niemand in staat van beschuldiging gesteld. [niet: helpen]

 

The tennis/golf pro

 

de tennisleraar/golfinstructeur [niet: de tennis-/golfprof]

 

His hernia is getting worse and worse


breuk  [een hernia is een slipped disk]

 

He became wet-through during the storm

 

(meestal) bui [een storm = a gale]

 

He lives over a bicycle shop

 

boven [niet: tegenover]

 

Please help your sister! -Never!


absoluut niet/geen denken aan/nooit van m'n leven [niet: nooit]

 

He gave me his pocketbook



portefeuille/combinatie portemonnee-portefeuille [een pocket= a paperback(novel)]

 

Please give me a copy of that newspaper

 

exemplaar [niet: kopie]

 

The education minister's budget

 

begroting [niet: budget]

 

It's in the papers

 

't Staat in de krant [niet: 't Staat in de kranten]

 

Why don't you sit down?



Ga toch zitten! [dit is vrijwel altijd een retorische vraag; dus niet: waarom ga je niet zitten?]

 

Look alive!


Schiet op! [niet: Kijk niet zo sullig/kijk vrolijker]

 

He wore a gold chain round his neck

 

hals [niet: nek]

 

'Dinner in twenty minutes, boys.'



'We eten over twintig minuten' [niet vertalen met: het diner...; een diner is erg chique]

 

Eventually they were prepared to help her

 

uiteindelijk [niet: eventueel]

 

Had je er 25 goed? Dat is dan iets meer dan de helft!   ===========>>>>>>

Maar..........helemaal niet slecht voor een beginner

Wil je meer subtitle-bloopers lezen of een cursus volgen.......klik hier!

 

 

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Texts found on U.S. bumper-stickers


1. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

2. I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

3. l want to die in my sleep like my grandfather
        ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

5. Sometimes l wake up grumpy; Other times l let him sleep.

6. The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

7. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

8. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

9. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

10. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

11. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the lRS.
         (IRS=belastingdienst)

12. i suoport publik edekasion.

13. l took an IQ test and the results were negative.

14. When there's a will, l want to be in it!

15. lf we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

16. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

18. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.

19. We are Microsoft. Resistance ls Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

20. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

21. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

22. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

23. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

24. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

25. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

26. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

27. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

28. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

29. I like you, but l wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

30. l killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

31. Montana --- At least our cows are sane!

32. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

33. Don't blame me, l'm from Uranus.

34. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

35. Wink, I'll do the rest.

36. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

37. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

38. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

39. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

40. Forget about World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

41. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

42. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

43. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

44. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

45. Cover me. l'm changing lanes.

46. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

47. Caution: Slow Children Ahead

48. Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.

49. I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

50. Seen it, Done it, Can't remember most of it.

51. God had a sense of humor, he made you didn't he?

52. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

53. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

54. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

55. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

56. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

57. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

58. All generalizations are false.

59. Officer, I has not ben drinkin

60. Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

61. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

62. Kids for sale... CHEAP!

63. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

64. Divorced! I don't brake for lawyers...

65. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it.

66. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW

67. A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

68. No radio - Already stolen.

69. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

70. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

71. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

72. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

73. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

74. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

75. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

76. Horn broken. Watch for finger.

77. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

78. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

79. I love animals, they taste great.

80. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

81. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

82. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

83. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

84. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

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What If Microsoft Built Cars

Bill Gates vergeleek eens het ontwikkelen van auto's met het ontwikkelen van computers en kwam tot de conclusie dat autofabrikanten er niets van bakten. 
Een autoliefhebber schreef dit stukje: hoe zou een auto rijden als Microsoft hem zou maken?

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of in that year.

2. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car'98 or a carNT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

3. New seats would force everyone to have the same size ass.

4. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

5. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

8. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

9. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and oil but.... the packaging would be supurb.

11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganise the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

21.Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason you'd just accept this too.

22. But that wouldn't work, so you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in again.

23. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you would need to memorise the keyboard shortcut for "Brake".

24. Every time you wanted to go for a ride your car would need 10 minutes to start up.

25. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

26. The speedometer would read 70 even though you were only doing 50.

27. They would make a flashy, convertible model - where, if you raised the top, the engine would overheat.

28. If you wanted to stop the engine you'd have to start it.

Nog even computers:
[Work station =computer]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...

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Famous Last Words

Some people only sigh profoundly when they die, 
others have something profound to make known to the world in their last moments:

Probeer een situatie te bedenken bij elke 'laatste boodschap'.


1. I'll get a world record for this.

2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3. Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!

4. Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions.

5. It's fireproof.

6. He's probably just hibernating.

7. What does this button do?

8. Can we get a vision plan?

9. So, you're a cannibal.

10. It's probably just a rash.

11. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

12. Are you sure the power is off?

13. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

14. No, my shoes aren't untied.

15. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

16. What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

17. Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?

18. Pull the pin and count to what?

19. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

20. I wonder where the mother bear is.

21. I've seen this done on TV.

22. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

23. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

24. What's that priest doing here?

25. You look just like Charles Manson.

26. Let it down slowly.

27. Rat poison only kills rats.

28. I hope they speak English.

29. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

30. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

31. I'll get your toast out.

32. Give me liberty or give me death.

33. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

34. It's strong enough for both of us.

35. This doesn't taste right.

36. I can make this light before it changes.

37. Nice doggie.

38. I can do that with my eyes closed.

39. I've done this before.

40. Well we've made it this far.

41. That's odd.

42. Hey that's not a violin.

43. I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

44. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

45. You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you.

46. OK this is the last time.

47. Don't be so superstitious.

48. Now watch this.

49. This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

50. "Don't worry, I read somewhere that bears mostly eat roots and berries." 

51. "Did you hear thunder? Oh well hurry up and putt." 

52. "Let's split up, we'll cover more ground." (SPLAT)

53. "Why yes honey, I do think you look fat in that dress." 

54. "Excuse me, I'm a tourist, and I'm lost." (rob)

55. "See? I told you the current's off." 

56. "Either the wallpaper goes or I do." 

57. "For my next trick I will escape from this flaming coffin while wearing a straight jacket and singing Eye Of The Tiger." (toyer III)

58. "Honey, get me a fork the darn toaster's jammed!" 

59. I'll get a world record for this.

60. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

61. Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!

62. Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

63. Here's my Kent State student ID.

64. It's fireproof.

65. What does this button do?

66. I'm making a citizen's arrest.

67. Can we get a vision plan?

68. So, you're a cannibal.

69. It's probably just a rash.

70. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

71. Are you sure the power is off?

72. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

73. No, my shoes aren't untied.

74. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

75. What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

76. Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?

77. Pull the pin and count to what?

78. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

79. I wonder where the mother bear is.

80. I've seen this done on TV.

81. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

82. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

83. What's that priest doing here?

84. You look just like Charles Manson.

85. Let it down slowly.

86. Rat poison only kills rats.

87. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

88. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

89. I'll get your toast out.

90. Give me liberty or give me death.

91. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

92. It's strong enough for both of us.

93. This doesn't taste right.

94. I can make this light before it changes. .

95. I can do that with my eyes closed.

96. I've done this before.

97. Well we've made it this far.

98. That's odd.

99. Hey that's not a violin.

100. I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

101. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

102. You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

103. OK this is the last time.

104. Don't be so superstitious.

105. Now watch this.

106. This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

107. What duck?

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Smileys

A smiley is a picture 'drawn' with ordinary ASCII characters, which occupies exactly one line.  Smileys started as a concise way to convey nonverbal information such as mood, voice tone, body language, and so forth in
E-mail and other forms of electronic communication. For instance, the most widespread smiley,

       :-)

is a smiling face.  (Tip your head to the left if you don't see it.)
People use this smiley to indicate that you shouldn't take whatever they just said too seriously.  For instance:

Smileys are a very serious subject!   :-)

Most of the smileys in this list are not in common use as punctuation.  Rather, they are simply clever pictures dreamed up by people intrigued with smileys.

Note that the proper spelling is 'smiley', plural 'smileys'.

Fun-smileys:

(:-( unsmiley smiley

(-: Australian smiley

(:-\ very sad

!-( black eye

#-) partied all night

$-) won the lottery

&.(.. crying

&:-) curly hair

'-) one eyed man

'-) wink

(-::-)  Siamese twins

:-( :  - small-breasted female

(8-{)}  glasses, moustache and a beard

(:-& angry

(:-* kissing

:-X A big wet kiss

:'-( crying

:( sad

:) happy

(:-...  heart-broken

(:-D blabber mouth

(:-|K-  formally attired

*<|:-)) Santa Claus

+-(:-)  the Pope

.'U (profile) yawning

3:-o cow

=====:} snake

3:] pet smiley

7:-) Fred Flintstone

8-) wears glasses

C=:-)   chef/cook

:%) an accountant

:%)% has acne

:- male

:-(  :- impotent

:-)  -:   not impotent

:-" heavy smoker

,:-) shaved his left eyebrow off this morning

:-(=) big teeth

:-) 8 Dolly Parton

:-)   < slut

:-)   > celibate

:-)  :-... taking a leak

:-.) Madonna

:-Q smoker

:-] sarcastic

:-{} heavy lipstick

;-) beaten up

?-( has black eye

[:-) wearing a walkman

q:-) wearing baseball cap backwards

{:-) hair parted in the middle

}(:-(   wearing toupee in wind

*!#*!^*&:-) a schizophrenic

(:-# I am smiling and I have braces (watch out for the glare!)

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From: The Complete Book of Insults

He's a little man, that's his trouble. Never trust a man with short legs: brains too near their bottoms.
[Noel Coward 1881-1973]

I like him and his wife. He is so ladylike, and she is such a perfect gentleman. [Sydney Smith 1771-1845]

Very nice though there are dull stretches. [Antoine de Rivarol 1753-1801 comment on a 2 line-poem]

[Lady Astor, an MP,  versus Winston Churchill]
LA: 'Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffee with poison!'
WC: 'Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it!'

Clare Boothe Luce [meeting Dorothy Parker in a doorway]: 'Age before Beauty.'
Dorothy Parker [gliding though the door]: 'Pearls before Swine.'

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. [Rudyard Kipling 1865-1936]

Alas! Another instance of the triumph of hope over experience.
[Samuel Johnson 1709-1784 On the remarriage of a widower]

Sir, a woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on its hind legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. [Samuel Johnson 1709-1784]

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
[Charlotte Whittton, former mayor of Ottawa 1896-1975]

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four. [Samuel Butler 1835-1902]

In the first place God made idiots; this was for practise; then he made school boards (=bestuur). [Mark Twain 1835-1910]

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
[Oscar Wilde 1854-1900]

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly gone from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. [Georges Clemanceau 1841-1929]

It is absurd to say that there are neither ruins nor curiosities in America when they have their mothers and their manners. [Oscar Wilde 1854-1900]

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. [The duke of Windsor 1894-1972]

Stranger: 'I have had the pleasure of passing your house recently.'
John Randolph: 'I am glad of it. I hope you will always do so.'

Henry Clay and John Randolph [1773-1833] meet on a narrow side-walk.
Henry Clay: 'I, sir, do not step aside for a scoundrel.'
John Randolph: 'On the other hand, I always do.'

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met. [Abraham Lincoln 1809-1865]

His argument is as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death. [Abraham Lincoln on Stephen A. Douglas]

His speeches leave the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea. Sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a stragggling thought and bear it triumphantly a prisoner in their midst until it died of servitute and overwork.  [senator W. McAdoo 1863-1941 on Warren Harding]

How can they tell? [Dorothy Parker on being informed that Calvin Coolidge was dead]

...when I call him a s.o.b. I am not using profanity but am referring to the circumstances of his birth [governer H. Long 1893-1967 on the Imperial Wizzard of the KKK]

He is a self-made man, and worships his creator. [B.Disraeli 1804-1881 on John Bright]

A modest little man with much to be modest about. [W. Churchill on Clement Attlee]

I couldn't have called him a s.o.b. - I didn't know he was one - at the time.
[J.F.Kennedy 1917-1963 on John G. Diefenbaker]

Voter: 'Vote for you? I'd as soon for for the devil!'
John Wilkes [politician]: 'And if your friend is not standing?'

Male heckler: 'Don't you wish you were a man?'
Agnes McPhail: 'Yes. Don't you?'

Earl Warren [politician]: 'I'm pleased to see such a dense crowd here tonight.'
Heckler: 'Don't be too pleased, Governor, we ain't all dense.'     (dense=dicht+dom)

Heckler: 'I'm a Democrat!'
Th. Roosevelt: 'May I ask the gentleman why he is a Democrat?'
Heckler: 'My grandfather was a Democrat; my father was a Democrat; and I am a Democrat.'
Th. Roosevelt: 'My friend, suppose your grandfather had been a jackass and your father was a jackass, what would you be?'
Heckler's immediate reaction: 'A Republican!'

Demosthenes: 'The Athenians will kill you some day when they are in a rage.'
Phocion: 'And you, when they are in their senses.'

G.B. shaw's reaction when someone cried 'Boo!' at the opening-night of one of his plays: 'My friend, I quite agree with you. But what are we two against so many?'

Lord Chatham [politician]: 'If I cannot speak standing, I will speak sitting and if I cannot speak sitting I will speak lying.'
Lord North: 'Which he will do in whatever position he speaks.'   (lying=liggen+liegen)

He could not see a belt without hitting below it. [Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George]

Musician Gilbert's reaction when asked by unmusical woman whether J.S. Bach was still composing: 'No, madam, he's decomposing.'

A hippie is someone who looks like tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheeta. [Ronald Reagan]

G.B. Shaw received a letter from a female admirer: 'Lady--- will be at home on Thursday between four and six o'clock.'
G.B. Shaw's letter in reply: 'Mr Bernard Shaw likewise.'

A young man receives a bottle of fruit preserved in brandy from his aunt and thanks her in a letter: 'Dear aunt,  A thousand thanks for your kind gift. I appreciate the cherries immensely, not so much for themselves as for the spirit in which they are sent.'      (spirit=drank+geest/bedoeling)

An angry mob refused to let the Duke of Wellington pass until he pronounced 'God save the Queen' [the Queen being Queen Caroline, who was unfaithful to her husband]. His reaction: 'Well gentlemaen, since you will have it so - "God save the Queen"; and may all your wives be like her!'

Squire: 'If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove, I'd make him a parson!'
Parson: 'Very probably; but I see that your father was of a different opinion.'

The departure of the Wise Men from the East seems to have been on a more extensive scale than is generally supposed' for none of that description seems to have been left behind [Sydney Smith 1777-1845]

EPITAPHS
Here Lies Ezekial Aikle; Aged 102; the Good Die Young. [Dalhousie, N.S.]

Haine Haint  [Arthur Haine; Vancouver cemetery]

Here lie I, Martin Elginbrodde; Have mercy on my soul, Lord Godde; As I would do were I Lord Godde; And thou wert Martin Elginbrodde. [anon.]

If heaven be pleased when sinners cease to sin; If hell be pleased when souls are damned therein; If earth be pleased when it's rid of a knave; Then all are pleased, for Coleman's in his grave. [anon. 1704]

Here lies my wife: here let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.     [J. Dryden 1631-1700 on his wife]

Alack, and well-a-day,
Potter himself is turned to clay!    [on Archbishop Potter 1747]

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Big Brother is watching you!

Big Brother is een -fictieve- figuur in 1984, een roman van G. Orwell. De staat houdt iedereen dag en nacht in de gaten (vandaar dat dat idiote programma op TV zo is genoemd).

1984 is een zeer lezenswaardig werk over een totalitair politiek systeem dat 2 geliefden  kapot maakt.

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Quiz: 20th century voices

Klik op een nummer, (kies: 'openen' niet 'opslaan') luister naar het fragment, probeer te herkennen wie spreekt, klik op 'solution'.

# 1    go to solution

# 2    go to solution

# 3    go to solution

# 4    go to solution

# 5    go to solution

# 6    go to solution

# 7    go to solution

# 8    go to solution

# 9    go to solution

# 10    go to solution

# 11    go to solution

# 12    go to solution

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Lost in Translation

Translating from one language to another is a difficult business, not only for man but also for machine(computer)

Some computer translations:

Original:

Translation by computer:

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

The beer is good but the meat is terrible

Out of sight, out of mind

Invisible idiot!

Not always do we need a machine to make some nice mistakes; a real-life, inexperienced translator will do; try and find out what the original of these translations may have been:

We promise customers a speedy execution (in a Dutch bulb catalogue)

Please hang yourself here (in a Berlin hotel-cloakroom)

I specialize in women and other diseases (sign outside a doctor's surgery in Israel)

To call room service, please open the door and call room service (in an Istanbul hotel)

Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob (in a mexican hotel)

All rooms have hot and cold flying water (in a Yugoslavian hotel)

Drop your trousers here for the best result (in an Italian dry-cleaners shop)

Do not leave without trying the tart of the house. (on the menu of a restaurant in Switzerland)

Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consummation. (French bar)

We are no1 loafers, best in whole town (outside baker's in Bombay)

If you have any desires during the night, ring for the chambermaid. (hotel in Switzerland)

People often translate word for word, using small dictionaries that do not give examples as to how a word should be used.
Somebody wrote to some hotels in the Dolomites, to ask for information.
Some of the landlords answered in rather bad English.
Here is one such letter (note: a French wi
ndow=een tuindeur; it serves you right=eigen schuld, dikke bult)

Dear Sir,

We have recently taken over this notorious house. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom offering delightful prospects. Please do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath because I am superb in bed.

We are also famous for having children. The balcony overlooks the romantic gorge and we hope you will want to drop in. In the village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Here you will be well fed up and agreeably drunk. Our motto is: "Ever serve you right!"

The moral of this is simple: use a good dictionary, do not always use the first word you come across*: have a close look at examples; use words and phrases you know are correct and appropriate. And as the English saying goes: "When in doubt, leave it out!"

* Some students wrote in their letters:

I was cremated when I read your letter. (nou de leraar was niet verast, wel verrast!)

I did it furrow you. (furrow is inderdaad voor, maar dan wel
een geploegde voor)

I'm sending you a normal letter instead of an enamel. (email-lak=de hittebestendige verf die op pannen zit)

At the zoo we saw a beautiful id. (als je bij het woord panda kijk staat daar id=idem=hetzelfde)

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Reading is no problem

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fc*kn*g amzanig huh?

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Ze big  speling plan

EU adopts English, but insists on spelling changes....

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as resplasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

By yer 5, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ver vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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# 1   Bill Gates: Founder of Microsoft/richest man in the world: "Microsoft was founded based on my vision of a personal computer on every desk in every home we'ver never wavered from that vision"

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# 2 Nelson Mandela: "Friends, comrades and fellow-South Africans, I greet you all in the name of peace, democracy and freedom for all"

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# 3 Bill Clinton: "Our democracy must be not only the envy of the world but the engine of our own renewal. There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. And so today we pledge an end to the era of deadlock and drift and a new season of American renewal has begun"

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# 4 Martin Luther King (nonviolent fighter for equal rights for Afro-Americans) "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today"

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# 5 John F. Kennedy "...and so my fellow-Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country"

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# 6 'Buzz' Adrin (1st man on the moon) "It's one small step for man....one giant leap for mankind"

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# 7 Margareth Thatcher ('The Iron Lady', English Prime Minister in the 80s speaking to parliament after Argentinia invaded the Falkland Islands) "I must tell the house that the Falkland Islands and their dependencies remain British territory no aggression and no invasion can alter that simple fact. It is the governments objective to see that the islands are freed from occupation and are returned to British administration at the earliest possible moment"

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# 8 Winston Churchill (English Prime Minister during WW2) "...let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty...so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and it's Common Wealth last for a thousand years, men will still say...'this was our finest hour'"

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# 9 Mahatma Gandhi (Indian nationalist leader, who established his country's freedom through a nonviolent revolution.) "I regard myself as a soldier, though a soldier of peace, I know the value of discipline and truth, I must ask you to believe me when I say that have never made a statement of this description, that the masses of India if it became necessary would resolve to violence"

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# 10 Chamberlain,  Neville (1869-1940), British prime minister (1937-40) his policy of appeasement toward Adolf Hitler's Germany culminated in the Munich Pact of September 1938, after which Chamberlain returned home proclaiming “peace in our time.” Later he recognized the failure of his policy and vowed support for Poland. After Germany's invasion of the country, Chamberlain led Great Britain into the war against the aggressor. After the British debacle in the first few months of the war, Chamberlain was forced to resign in May 1940 and was succeeded by Sir Winston Churchill. He served in Churchill's cabinet as lord president of the council until October 1940, when illness forced his resignation. He died the following month. "We the German Fuhrer and chancellor and the British prime minister have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of Anglo-German relations is of the first importance for the two countries and for Europe. We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German naval agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again"

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# 11 B. ter Braak: (I did not tell you these were all people of world-fame, did I?) Quiet please!

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# 12 Tony Blair (English Prime Minister) "Socialism for me was never about nationalization or the power of the state not just about economics or even politics it is a moral purpose to life a set of values a belief in society in cooperation in achieving together what we cannot achieve alone."

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Absolutely Amazing:


Think of a letter between A and W.







Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.















Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .















Think of an animal that begins with that letter.



















Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.















Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.
















Almost there........



















Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.



















Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.




















Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.





















Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?















Of course not.......



Now smack yourself in the head, get a life or at least do some homework and quit playing stupid  games :-)

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Software upgrade

Version 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.


Version 2.0
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.


Version 3.0b
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway.


Version 4.0
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed,but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.


Version latest
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."


Version 1.0+ / wife 1.0
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.


Version Mistress 1.0
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

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What does it say?

.......Read again please, or did you see the mistake rightaway?

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Funny Epitaphs = (Grafschriften)

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

John Brown is filling his last cavity (= gat/gaatje).
-- Dentist's Tombstone


Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

It was a Cough
That carried him Off
It was a Coffin
They Carried him Off In

Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer (= veilingmeester)
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876

Here lies Johnny Yeast. (yeast = gist)
Pardon me For not rising.
Ruidoso, New Mexico

...must be someone with excellent marketing skills!
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter:
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.

Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs (slugs = bullets)
From a forty-four.
No Les
No More.

Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she has peace
And so do I

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.

 

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow,
aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted
(= getroost te worden)

 

His wife won the lottery the day after she died!
Honey you don't know
what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked
came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this,
a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich,
Eufala, Alabama)

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery

 

And here’s an epitaph with a funny double meaning: you might have to think about it…
Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
Who was accidentally killed
in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected
by his grateful family.

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New York City Report Cards
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!



Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out  1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


*********

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't   think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a  toaster oven.'

'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
(NCIC=National Crime Information Center - FBI Information Systems)

'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't... Sign here.

 

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Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

  Sincerely, The Dog

 

 

 

 

 

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Those bloody Dutch

In de 17e eeuw waren de Engelsen veelvuldig in oorlog met de Nederlanders; dat leverde een negatief beeld op ten aanzien van die Nederlanders.

double Dutch koeterwaals; flauwekul
his Dutch is up hij is zeer nijdig
in Dutch in moeilijkheden; in ongenade
do the Dutch act zelfmoord plegen
Dutch auction veiling bij afslag
Dutch bargain overeenkomst waarbij alle voordelen naar één partij gaan
Dutch comfort schrale troost
Dutch courage jenevermoed [als je veel gedroken hebt durf je wel...]
Dutch concert dronkemansgebral
talk like a Dutch uncle duidelijk zeggen waar het op staat
Dutch gleek zuippartij
a Dutchman (in de bouw) lets wat wordt aangebracht om een constructiefout te verbergen.
I’m a Dutchman if I ik ben een boon als ik; ik vreet een bezemsteel als
Dutchman’s draught een gigantische teug of slok
Dutch nightingale kikker
Dutch treat/to go Dutch feest waarbij iedereen voor zich zelf moet betalen [vlg een amerikaanse fuif]
Dutch uncle brompot
to dutch 1. kapot maken; bederven; 2. Iaten springen (de bank in casino)
Dutch gold/Dutch foil/Dutch metal klatergoud,  namaakbladgoud
Dutch fuck het aansteken van de ene sigaret aan de andere

 

Er zijn ook wel een paar positieve/neutrale uitdrukkingen met 'Dutch':  

Dutch barn kapschuur
Dutch cheese Edammerkaas
Dutch cap pessarium [voorbehoedsmiddel]
Dutch clinker gele klinker
Dutch doll ledenpop
Dutch oven braadoven (maar ook: lemands mond ...)
to beat the Dutch een bijzondere prestatie verrichten
Dutch wife  rolkussen


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Quoting Shakespeare

Shakespeare heeft veel invloed gehad op de Engelse taal.
Ook jij bent vast al eens quotes van Shakespeare tegen gekomen:

If you cannot understand my argument and declare "it's Greek to me", you are quoting Shakespeare. If you claim to be "more sinned against than sinning", you are quoting Shakespeare. If you act "more in sorrow than in anger", if you "wish is father to the thought", if your lost property has "vanished into thin air", you are quoting Shakespeare. If you have ever refused "to budge an inch" or suffered from "green-eyed jealousy", if you have "played fast and loose", if you have been "tongue-tied" - "a tower of strength" - "hoodwinked" or "in a pickle", if you have "knitted your brows" - "made virtue of necessity", insisted on "fair play" - "slept not one wink" - "stood on ceremony" - "danced attendance" on "your lord and master" - "laughed yourself into stitches", had "short shrift" - "cold comfort", or "too much of a good thing", if you have "seen better days", or lived "in a fools paradise", why, be that as it may, "the more fool you", for it is a "foregone Conclusion" that you are "as good luck would have it", quoting Shakespeare. If you think "it is high time", and that "that is the long and the short of it", if you believe that "the game is up", and that "truth will out", even if involves your "own flesh and blood", if you"lie low" till "the crack of doom" because you suspect "foul play", if you have "teeth set on edge at one fell swoop" - "without rhyme or reason", then "to give the devil his due" if the "truth were known" for surely you have a "tongue in your head", you are quoting Shakespeare. Even if you bid me "good riddance" and "send me packing", if you wish I was "dead as a doornail", if you think I am an "eyesore" - a "laughing stock" - the "devil incarnate" - "a stony-hearted villain" - "bloody-minded", or a "blinking idiot", then "by jove" - "o lord"- "tut, tut!" - "For goodness sake" - "what the dickens!" - "but me no buts" - "it is all one to me", for you are quoting Shakespeare...  

from bernard  Levin "Quoting Shakespeare"

 


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Have a big think about this!

  1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  4. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  5. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  6. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

  7. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  9. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  10. Is there another word for synonym?

  11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

  12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

  14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

  15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

  16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

  20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

  21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

  23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

  24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

  26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

  27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

  28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

  30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

  31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

  34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

 


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English is tough stuff (about the inconsistensies of English spelling)

English is tough stuff
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, yet
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation --think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough -Though,
through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to just give up!!!





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And Another poem about English Spelling

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead -
For goodness sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!






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Eye halve a spelling chequer...so I can't make spellingmistakes.

(Alle woorden in dit rijmpje staan in het woordenboek,
en als je het hardop voorleest zal een Engelman weinig aan te merken hebben,maar...)

 

Eye halve a spelling chequer 

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word 

And weight four it two say 

Weather eye am wrong oar write 

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long 

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it 

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh 

My chequer tolled me sew



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Some Wisdom for the rest of your life

  1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
  2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  3. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others
  4. Never buy a car you can't push.
  5. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
  6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  7. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  8. The second mouse gets the cheese.
  9. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  10. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
  11. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  12. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
  13. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


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Some Students can really "think out of the box"
However, whether these students passed their test remains doubtful.

Question1.                   In which battle did Napoleon die?
Student's Answer         His last battle.

Q2.     Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A         At the bottom of the page.

Q3.     River Ravi flows in which state?
A         Liquid

Q4.     What is the main reason for divorce?
A         Marriage

Q5.     What is the main reason for failure?
A         Exams

Q6.     What can you never eat for breakfast?
A         Lunch & dinner

Q7.     What looks like half an apple?
A         The other half

Q8.     If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A         It will become wet.

Q9.      How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A         No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.    How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A         You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11.    If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A         Very large hands

Q12.    If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A         No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.    How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A         Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 


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A few "paraprosdokians"
If you had to look up the meaning of this word, do not be embarassed: many dictionaries do not know it.

It is  "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." I hope you enjoy these!

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

If I am reading this graph correctly – I would be very surprised." — Stephen Colbert

If you are going through hell, keep going." — Winston Churchill

I sleep 8 hours a day. And at least 10 at night." — Bill Hicks

The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
.

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 


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7 facts in this world

                Fact #8: there are 2 spellingmistakes in the piece above (apart from the Americanism 'thru'.)


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Gender: Male or Female

Many languages refer to everyday objects as either male or
female.  Wouldn't English be more interesting and versatile
if we did, too?  These suggestions are from the Washington
Post, which asked readers to assign a gender to nouns of
their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE:  Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS:  Female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON:  Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES:  Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SHOE:  Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER:  Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive device
when the right buttons are pushed.  Because it can wreak
havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS:  Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.

WEB PAGE:  Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY:  Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HAMMER:  Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL:  Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

 

 

 

The Art of the Understatement

Things British People Say

….And What We Actually Mean.

I might join you later!

Meaning: I’m not leaving the house today unless it's on fire.

"Excuse me, sorry, is anyone sitting here?"

Translation: You have three seconds to move your bag before I end you.

"Not to worry"

Translation: I will never forget this…and you will regret it!

"Bit wet out there"

You're going to need a snorkel because it's absolutely pissing it down.

"It's fine"

Meaning: It really could not possibly get any worse, but no doubt it will do

"Perfect"

Translation: Well that's that ruined then.

"A bit of a pickle"

Translation: A catastrophically bad situation with potentially fatal consequences.

"I’m Not too bad, actually"

Translation: I'm probably the happiest I've ever been

”Honestly, it doesn't matter”

Meaning: Nothing has ever mattered more than this

“You've caught the sun"

Translation: You look like you've been swimming in a volcano

"That's certainly one way of looking at it"

Translation:That's certainly the wrong way of looking at it

"If you say so"

Translation: "I'm afraid that what you're saying is the height of idiocy."

"With all due respect"

Translation: You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Meanings of "I beg your pardon"

*I didn't hear you I apologise

*What you're saying is making me absolutely

*Livid (=woest!).

"It could be worse"

Translation: It couldn't possibly be any worse

”Each to their own"

Translation: You’re wrong, but never mind.

"Pop round anytime"

Translation: Please stay away from my house.

"I'm just popping out for lunch, does anyone want anything?"

Translation: I'm getting my own lunch now, please remain silent

"No no, honestly, my fault"

Translation: It was exceedingly your fault and we both know it.

" that's very interesting"

Meaning: You are boring me to death.

"Just whenever you get a minute"

Translation: "Now"

”No harm done”

Translation: You have caused complete and utter chaos

"I'm sure it'll be fine"

Translation: I fully expect the situation to deteriorate rapidly.

"Sorry, I think you might have dropped something”

Meaning: "You have definitely dropped that specific item"


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